6 tips to improve your friendships

Friendship is crucial to not only our day to day emotional health, but truly, to longevity too.

Research shows that having meaningful friendships extends our lifespans. I think all of us can agree that our quality of life goes up immeasurably when we have good friends to ride the waves of life alongside us. Even for the most introverted or highly sensitive among us, these things are true.

Yet so many clients, moms, and others have expressed to me how difficult it is to make friends. This seems particularly true in adulthood when college is over and you’ve at least somewhat settled into a career–especially in some positions where your pool of potential friends is limited, maybe by a large age gap, very different life stages, or not much in common. Maybe your work friends are great at work but they’re not really people you’d click with outside of the office (and that’s ok–sometimes it’s nice to have compartmentalization).

So how do we make friends as adults? As introverts? As highly sensitive people? As moms? As full time workers? As someone who feels isolated? As someone who doesn’t feel welcome in their own community? So many factors can make it tricky. But it’s worth the pursuit. Here are six tips for improving your friendships:

1. Be willing to try new things.

Some people seem especially opposed to step outside of their comfort zone when it comes to making or building friendships, but expecting different results by doing the same thing over and over again is silly and very rarely works! This might mean you agree to try a new activity that you’re not sure about. It might mean you give someone a chance even though they’re not exactly what you usually look for in a friend. It might mean trying an online matchmaking app for friends (like Bumble BFF) when usually you’re uncomfortable with that. It might mean signing up for a local class and purposely trying to make connections there. It might mean attending a Facebook event or joining a MeetUp. It might mean risking rejection. It might mean making online friends even if you never meet in person. 

2. Become an initiator. 

If you’re naturally this way, great! If not, set reminders in your phone to text or call a potential friend, a budding friendship, or an established friend regularly (maybe once a week or whatever works for you). Many people are busy or mutually afraid to initiate… but will respond positively when someone else initiates. 

3. Take a chance. 

I had a professor who told me this endearing story: her young daughter told her and her husband that if her mommy (my professor) went to her school, she would be best friends with her. The dad chimed in and said something like, “no you wouldn’t–you’re both so introverted that neither of you would initiate and you’d never actually meet each other!”. (This is a good time to remind everyone that being introverted doesn’t mean you’re shy and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your people… it means you recharge while alone best, not with others.)

The point is, many of us miss out on potential for fear of taking a chance. Give someone your number. Invite them to something. Ask them more about themselves. I know this can be hard but it is worth it. Not everyone will become a close friend, but you miss out on a lot by not giving anyone a real chance. (Side note that sometimes we don’t have the capacity to do this, which is ok, temporarily– but make sure not to leave this on the back burner for too long.)

4. Know when to back off.

Friendships come and go throughout life for so many different reasons. We can’t possibly remain close with everyone forever. There is a time and place to fight for a friendship if you notice tension or a drift. But sometimes we do need to let go. Friendships aren’t going to be 50/50 all of the time but we should aspire for reciprocity. If you notice you’re the one doing most of the work, ask yourself how that is working for you. Remember that holding onto the old takes up space in your life that, instead, could be opened up to something (someone) much better. 

5. Know yourself. 

While it’s important to be open and try new things, it’s also important to know yourself–including your needs and gifts in friendships. What makes you feel loved? How do you communicate best? What do you do naturally that can make others feel loved? What are your weaknesses as a friend? What are your non-negotiables? What overlapping values do you really wish to have? Figure that out and be upfront about it. And… remember there is no perfect friendship, and don’t lose out on someone you could deeply love and appreciate because they don’t meet every criteria. 

6. Be patient.

Growing a beautiful flower takes time… as does growing a beautiful friendship. This is something to remind yourself especially in the beginning. Sometimes small talk feels so draining, but it can be the beginning of deeper, meaningful talk later on. (You might also experiment with skipping it and asking more thoughtful questions earlier on… and see how it goes.)

I also want to express how important it is to normalize highly valuing friendships. We talk so much about how glorious romantic relationships can be and how painful it is when we lose them. But we need to normalize loving and talking about our friendships. Friends can be just as significant in our lives as romantic partnerships. Know that most therapists will be more than willing to help you work through any aspect of friendship if you ever want that. And while we have a long way to go, there are a few good books about friendship out there (find some of my favorites here).

To wrap up, I would like to dedicate this post to friends in my life (past, present, future!). I also share the list below in hopes it will help you reflect on what makes you feel loved in friendships and the ways you can give to friends as well. Here is my list of things friends have done/currently do for me that make me feel incredibly fortunate:

-embrace my sensitivity

-respect boundaries and have their own

-celebrate my growth and changes in life  

-are not intimidated by my career or talking about mental health

-text me (or Marco me) to check in

-remember things about me and my family

-try to make recipes I can eat when dealing with new food sensitivities 

-do their own research on things I’m going through so they better understand it

-send me cute reels about friendship

-send me book or podcast recommendations because it made them think of me (can we make podcasts into another love language?) 

-read my blog even though they don’t need to

-get outside with me (especially for adventures that might be more of the Type 2 fun variety)

-invest in a relationship with my daughter, too

-show up when they say they will

These are my kind of people–and I try to be this kind of person, too. My wish for you is to find and be these kinds of people in your own lives, as well. I hope this blog helps!

Ready to start your mental health journey?